As sweat drips down from my forehead, I curse this heat.
A pleasant surprise drops by, before I know it, I see the light disappear from my blinded curtains. I look up to see a swarm of clouds, dark clouds planning something.
Before I know it, a cool breeze passes by
Will it rain today?
I remember too many days like these in doon. Drinking a hot cup of chai at Subhang Tea Stall, making instantaneous plans for Mussoorie and deciding halfway there, that we should just settle for a Maggie Point.
Trees that are still, calm; leaves slowly fluttering.
I have not been myself for a long time I feel.
I’ve come with ideas and brushed them away, I’ve planned a routine and then thrown it away.
Am I going easy on myself?
On most nights nowadays, I wake up feeling nauseous. I wake up feeling unloved or too difficult to be loved at all. My back hurts all the time, I’ve stopped reading, not many people pick up my call ( other than my manager).
It’s been a while since I’ve talked to someone face to face, had a heart felt conversation, or cried while they listened.
It gets harder everyday and sometimes I wonder if I can make it.
I miss warm hugs. I’ve forgotten, how good it felt to hug someone.
It’ll be long before I touch someone again, or be touched.
This pandemic in ways has taken more things from us than we can imagine.
Do we regret, not having that last kiss or not hugging your bestfriend goodbye or fist bumping your friends or having that formal handshakes with your colleagues?
If anything, now we know how little we can control and how often we miss out on things.
There will not be a next time. We’re all lost causes. All, gambling on something and sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.
I’m too tired of losing everytime, or giving up to make someone else happy. Tired of not being wanted. Tired of even trying.
But
What are we without our losses? Without being our most vulnerable selves to the people we trust?
What are we without the choices we make?
What are we at all?
I am upset but not beaten down yet.
But who am I ?
I believe you must have decided that for yourself already.
Don’t we all?
A power failure causes all city lights to fall into the abyss. Trees looking like majestic furious beasts, roaring hard, as the thunder rumbles.
I hope the storm stays for a little longer.
It gives me company.
It gives me hope.